The Denver Broncos suck, at least according to Deadspin.
Before you get too upset, know this. Drew Magary pens these pieces for all 32 NFL teams this time of the year before every season and, quite frankly, they’re hysterical. Magary can do what very few writers can and that’s make a reader laugh out loud.
So what’d he come up with for these 2015 Broncos? It was mostly just tearing Peyton Manning, Gary Kubiak and John Elway to shreds.
Here are some of the (PG-13) highlights and again, it’s okay to laugh at this, live a little:
Did I mention that Kubiak is installing a new offense? Is there anyone on Earth who thought that the Broncos problems last season all stemmed from the playbook? Boy, Adam Gase was such a lousy OC that virtually EVERY other team interviewed him for a head coaching gig! Good thing you fired THAT guy. What f***** purpose could it possibly serve to make a 39-year-old quarterback who can barely throw the ball learn a new g****mn offense when he has already demonstrated complete mastery of the old one? This is insane. The only innovation Kubes is bringing to this team is a fart tax.
We all agree that Peyton Manning should have retired this offseason, right? I don’t wanna watch him spend this season getting his brains whipped into foam. This entire year is gonna be like watching Brett Favre get his skull bounced off the Metrodome turf on a loop. All the debate about RG3 playing after his fake concussion kinda pales when you realize that Manning will be an invalid before midseason.
Peyton is done. He can blame a sore quad all he wants for that playoff game, but it’s horses***. His arm is shot. His neck is shot. His right hand is essentially a phantom appendage. What are the odds of this ending well? I bet there was more to that Texans trade rumor than the Broncos would ever dare admit. Peyton’s gonna get paid $17.5 million this season to die on live television. I can’t look.
The team gave Demaryius Thomas a fat new contract this offseason that TOTALLY wasn’t the result of colluding with the Cowboys. That means that Thomas and Manning now account for roughly 98 percent of the team’s payroll. They couldn’t afford to keep Julius Thomas. Or Terrance Knighton. Or Orlando Franklin. Peyton is gonna have to operate a new offense with one arm and the only protection the Broncos will be able to afford for him are a couple of bales of hay. Ryan Clady is already lost for the year. And Owen Daniels is here to replace Thomas. Owen Daniels is the TJ Maxx Dallas Clark.
Thanks to lax weed laws and the need for literally EVERY male resident of Colorado to open his own terrible microbrewery (“HURRRR I CAN MAKE BEER FOR A LIVING AND GIVE IT FUN NAMES HURRR”), Denver is now a horrifically expensive boutique neighborhood for hippie a**holes, and it is surrounded by suburbs packed to the brim with loony Promise Keepers who live in Colorado because its elevation above sea level brings them that much closer to Jesus.
Let it be over! Sheesh. That was a beat down, but still pretty funny.
Although I couldn’t agree less about Kubiak and Manning. I think Kubes was a clear upgrade over John Fox and I don’t think a guy who threw 39 touchdowns and 15 interceptions a season ago is done by any means. That’s pretty silly.
If the Broncos suck, what’s that make about 28 other teams in the league? Super suck?
We’ve still got it pretty darn good when it comes to our NFL team.