Big box stores have giant sized assortments of candy, stacked up right next to pallets of outdoor trash bags and Denver Broncos-themed paper plates.
It must be Halloween season in Colorado.
This season makes me think of cutting holes into old sheets, little princesses with broken plastic wings and wanna-be pirates wearing eye patches with painted-on beards. It is a fun time to think of our fears, and like everyone else, maybe other than full back and tough guy Andy Janovich, I too am afraid of certain things.
So get ready, I’m going to terrify you with what scares me, this time of year:
1. The Oakland Raiders might win the AFC WEST.
I know, CRAZY to think, but this might actually happen. The Raiders today, right now, sit at five and two. Not since 2002 have the Oakland Raiders had a winning record. Think of that, the Raiders have dressed up like a professional franchise for a long time, but have come out looking like losers for the last 14 years.
The Raider Nation, a freak show, which dresses up for Halloween every Sunday, has not had anything this good to root about since Rich Gannon was their quarterback and he was born in 1965.
The No. 1 song in 2002 was Nickelback’s ‘How you remind me’ (Scary). Well, after this horrendous hiatus, the Oakland Raiders are back, and that is terrifying for those of us who put on our Broncos orange this time of year.
2. C.J. Anderson‘s Knee
Reports are out now that C.J. Anderson is out with a bone bruise. In talking to a doctor, he said it was something that often happens in severe car accidents. Patients with bone bruises have it occur when a dash board or steering wheel slams into you at a high rate of speed and the brutal force doesn’t break the bone, but rather bruises it and it causes extreme pain and injury.
Great, C.J. Anderson, who against the Houston Texans seemed to finally break out and rush for over 100 yards, is out with a bone bruise. This is terrifying. The Broncos are not a good enough offense to have veteran C.J. Anderson out for very much longer.
In the next four games, the Broncos have three division opponents. C.J. Anderson out is a scary situation and something I don’t look forward to.
3. Ring Thieves
So, while playing a game Monday night, DeMarcus Ware‘s Superbowl 50 ring was stolen. WHAT? Yeah, someone stole DeMarcus Ware’s Superbowl Ring. Not kicker Brandon McManus or Trevor Siemian, or even Tyler Polumbus, but DeMarcus Ware’s ring.
This is scary, because whoever risks that, is not sane. Have you seen DeMarcus Ware? You don’t take that guy’s stuff, his sacred treasured item he waited 11 years for! You don’t even look at his ring, let alone take it in a clumsy robbery the likes of which we haven’t seen since Macaulay Culkin fought off the wet bandits.
Forever now, those two ring thieves will know what it is like to be a NFL offensive coordinator, because they too, must look under their bed at night for DeMarcus ware.
Idiots.
4. The Patriots
Gronk running around the field looking like Frankenstein’s monster. Brady throwing darts into the endzone with his witchcraft and Tom-Foolery. Bill Belichick pulling the strings of evil, wearing his wizards hood as he mumbles spells to his captain on defense. Julian Edelman running drag routs as he spreads pixie dust all over the field, somehow blinding defenses as he finds a soft-spot in the zone.
All of this is malevolent, evil, wicked and the Patriot way.
They are pure evil, while being good at football. And as of today, they are unstoppable. The addition of monster tight end Martellus Bennett has made them almost perfect on offense, and their defense seems to get away with murder when the time is right.
Yes, I have to agree with Bostonians when they say, “The Patriots are certainly WICKED GOOD.” The thought of heading to snake mountain to play against coach Skelator keeps me up at night. Hopefully a house will land on someone, and Denver can get on the yellow brick road to Houston for SB51.
There is no place like home.