Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
All the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. And rain fell on Colorado forty days and forty nights (maybe a bit more).
And all the fields on which the neophytes and skilled collegians and the jaded professionals and the aging athletes staged their contests were besotted with the rain and unfit for play.
And God called on his faithful servant Noah, a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and an upright man who walked faithfully with God. Noah had three sons: Shep, Moe and Curly. They had originally been named Shem, Ham and Japheth, but after the 600 years Noah had spent on earth he grew tired of their names and the derision they caused his sons. But that’s a story for another time.
Now the state of Colorado athletics had become corrupt in God’s sight and the professionals who blocked and tackled, rattled hoops of steel, skated on frozen ponds, kicked and flopped on the pitch, and clubbed tiny balls of cowhide into the thin firmament had become inept and were demanding shekels from the peasants without ever giving them the satisfaction of conquering professionals from other lands.
So God said to Noah, “I am going to send a message to Colorado and flood the fields on which they stoop but do not conquer.
“So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high…”
“Now hold on, Lord,” Noah interrupted. “We’ve been through this whole thing before and look how it worked out. And nobody uses cubits any more. And where the hell am I supposed to find a cypress tree in Colorado?”
“Noah, you may walk faithfully with me, but you shall not blaspheme me or question my commands. Besides, I shall do it differently this time. You think I have learned nothing in the past 5,000 years?
“I am going to bring floodwaters onto Colorado but not to destroy all life under the heavens and every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything in Colorado will not perish. But the floods will cause widespread panic, game delays and cancellations and all the creatures will flock to your ark.
“But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark—you and your sons—how are Moe, Curly and Shep these days? —and your wife and your sons’ wives with you. You are to bring into the ark two warriors from every professional team in Colorado. And you shall tell them that they are to be saved from the flood but in truth they will all be banished to Texas. And, for tradition’s sake, you shall gather some of Colorado’s beasts that move along the earth and fill the skies, beasts that might torment Texas as Texas has tormented Colorado. Begin with the noxious prairie dog who despoils our pastures and the pigeon who befouls our chariots.”
Some of you biblical scholars may prefer the Old Shel Silverstein Testament version of God’s commandment to Noah, which went something like this:
Well now God seen some sinnin’ and it caused Him pain. And He said, “Stand back, I’m going to make it rain!” He said, “Hey, Brother Noah, I’ll tell you what to do, build me a floating zoo, and take some of them green alligators and long-necked geese, some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born, don’t you forget My unicorns.”
So Noah, with a heavy heart and memories of the whole first ark debacle, began to assemble the living creatures from all the mercenary armies of Colorado sports.
As the rains began to fall, Noah walked faithfully down the road known as Blake and entered the colossal arena that celebrates fermented malt and barley. God’s servants Tulo and Cargo, tipped off by God himself (who knew them as Job and Mendoza), were waiting at the gate to greet Noah and begged to be included as passengers on the ark. Noah looked at the NL West standings, calculated their ages, infirmities and batting averages and said, “You shall be the first creatures on my new ark. Know where I can get some cheap cypress?”
Job and Mendoza were so anxious to leave the sinking ship they were on that they located a rare cypress forest and, as the floodwaters began to rise, helped Noah build his ark to God’s exact specifications, though they didn’t know a cubit from a sacrifice bunt.
Noah, with Job and Mendoza on board the vessel made of Cyprus, peering through the maelstrom hoping to sight a unicorn on high ground, sailed the ark on to Dove Valley in search of an olive branch and two more creatures to inhabit the ark. God was particularly angry with the Broncos for they had reached new heights in avarice (again demanding more shekels from their devoted followers despite their shame in the season-ending loss to the Unicorns of Indianapolis) and violence to the sisters of Eve. When the ark arrived at Dove Valley all the Broncos, except two, were milling about the indoor arena, which was rapidly becoming surrounded by the surging waters, intently perfecting their craft. Only Von Miller and Methuselah remained on the sideline, nursing real or imagined infirmities. Noah threw out the plank and they boarded the ark, the young Miller aiding the hobbling old man.
And Noah and his sons and the wives of his sons and the desperate men from Blake Street and Dove Valley sailed on to the Center of Dark Fizzy Sugary Libations and found four more men waiting to board the ark.
The servants of God and Joshua Kronke were lined up on the roof of the Center, beseeching Noah to rescue them from the flood and the depths of the Western Conference. Noah hastily chose Michael Malone, the leader of the men of Gold who was about to be tossed into the swirling waters anyway. He then chose the youngest of the Nuggets, a 19-year old boy they called Mudiay. For he was to be the savior; the weight of the world had already been placed on his shoulders. Coach Malone boarded but never took his eyes of his young leader, making sure the boy stayed dry.
From the skaters, Noah chose one of God’s all-time favorites, the good and decent Saint Super Joseph.
“I must admit,” Noah confessed, “I haven’t followed the NHL too closely since the lockout of 2004-05 – A.D. Please, tell me, who amongst your servants shall accompany us?”
“Let’s go with Ryan O’Reilly,” said Super Joseph. “Every ark needs an Irish Canadian who can put up more than 50 points in season. Besides, this might give us some time to work out his contract once and for all.”
The ark moved on to the sacred land called the City of Commerce and the Good Sporting Park of Richard. Noah called for neophytes Shane O’Neill and Dillon Serna and said, “Come on to the ark. You are young and blameless and homegrown. If the team called the Rapids does not appreciate you, I shall.”
Noah looked upon all the creatures he had gathered into his ark and he was satisfied, although the beasts had already begun to bicker amongst themselves and to ask for more provisions and better quarters and long-term deals.
But the voice of God thundered through the storm and commanded Noah to not forget His favorite athletes, the children who play in youth leagues and high schools. “All spring I have soaked the fields and delayed the games of my children but I am not angry with them. I want to get the attention of those who have begat my children. Take the worst of these children’s parents, Noah, those who are never satisfied with the referees and the coaches who try to teach and nurture their children.”
And Noah had no trouble finding parents to board the ark, telling them they were heading to a land where the referees never call a foul on their children and the coaches realize that each of their children is the best among all those who play childish games.
“And don’t forget the high schools, Noah my servant. They are not blameless in My eyes.”
“But there are so many, God. There is not room on my ark for all those who value winning above teaching.”
“Just take some creatures from those schools who profess to do My work, those who use My name in their name. That should clean up most of the mess.”
And Noah obeyed, recruiting coaches and athletic directors from the most private of places.
And finally Noah steered his overflowing ark southward to Texas where God was creating more floods in a land He had long forsaken since His favorite servant Tom Landry was canned.
With the help of the zebras Noah gained control of the spirited games that had begun on the ark. He asked those who were not playing to keep an eye out for unicorns, but the competition among the creatures on the ark became so intense that soon no one bothered to look for those gentle and elusive creatures who sadly never learned to swim.
And that’s why you never seen a unicorn to this very day. Or, for that matter, an elephant with three balls.
This story appeared in the July issue of Mile High Sports Magazine.