Yes, it’s that time of year, where “sorta friends” and “part-time buddies” get together with tolerable coworkers to join in a league of competitive spirit for bad trophies and small money pools. We all swallow our hatred of one another for one night, escape our home lives and go out to sports bars and chain restaurants for another live fantasy football draft.
But, first and foremost, you have to make sure you’re not “that guy.”
So, while you’re grinding away in the ninth round, wondering if it’s time to pick a kicker yet, look around the table and see if you can find one of “those guys.”
And remember, if no one fits the description, it’s probably you:
“The I Brought A Date Guy”
While we all enjoy some eye candy from time to time to break up the bro fest, we don’t need a date. For most fantasy football players, ladies included, we are there to leave our home life, the real world, behind. The date only reminds us that we should be spending quality time with the loved ones.
This is a selfish move by the “bring my date guy,” who typically doesn’t have responsibilities other than the insurance on his foreign sports car. “Bring the date guy” is trying to kill two birds with one stone, while showing off his new found 20-something he picked up at Cost Cutters three days ago.
Don’t bring the date; we don’t want to apologize for eating meat, drinking whiskey or saying words meant for the rodeo.
“Too Much Info Guy”
“Too much info guy” brings a lap top, two magazines, pages of data and has every statistic memorized — at least he pretends to memorize everything since the ’85 bears.
This guy will criticize everyone else’s pick while blurting out his choice with absolute confidence, proclaiming himself the most brilliant man in fantasy sports.
Fantasy leagues are full of this guy, and while you loath him during the draft, this guy is great to rag on mid season. He cares more, and it hurts, and it feels good to bully this fantasy nerd.
Oh, and last but not least, this guy usually hosts a sports talk show.
“I Won Last Year Guy”
He brings last year’s trophy to this year’s fantasy football draft. Yes, this guy is despised by all.
He is usually someone who didn’t deserve to win and knows less about sports than most everyone else in the league. And yet he’ll rub it in your face all night that you lost to him in the playoffs last season.
This guy will bring up everyone he had last year and tell you what round he got the in. This guy is just terrible.
Just hope he doesn’t do it back to back.
“Too Drunk Guy”
I usually respect this guy right up until the end of the night, when all of a sudden he becomes the league’s problem. Rock Paper Scissors is played to get him home, and help us all if you know his wife, because it’ll somehow be your fault he got too drunk on Dr. Pepper shots.
This guy always picks someone after waiting 10 minutes, and everyone has to yell out “TAKEN” after he finally makes his selection. One thing about this guy, though, is that he usually doesn’t win, because his team fell apart after round six.
“Too Good For Fantasy Football Guy”
If you are too good for fantasy football and don’t want to do it, don’t do it. We don’t need you coming to the draft to tell us how pathetic we all are for pretending to be general managers of an NFL team.
We know we’re pathetic, and reminders of that are all around. Don’t ruin this for us!
“The Homer”
This guy should be made fun of and ridiculed because he only knows one team and takes them all. In the end, though, this guy, “the homer,” is good for all of us in fantasy.
We use the homers to better our own position. We all know he’s a fan of the Steelers, and we know he’ll trade way too much for the Steelers defense. We don’t like him, but he makes us all better, and for that, he is welcome anytime.
“Good Pick Guy”
You know who I’m talking about — “Good pick. Good pick!” Those guys at the end of the table who have a positive spin on everyone’s pick.
“Great pick right there!”
Like we all needed their stamp of approval on taking the backup running back in round eight.
Keep your opinions to yourself. Same thing goes for “I Was Going To Take Him Next Guy.” Don’t care, Mel Kiper III.
“Hurry Up And Pick Guy”
Hey, buddy, some of us are enjoying our one night out. Leave it alone.
Like a baseball game, there needs to be a pace, but there’s no need to rush it. We all are enjoying ourselves and having a good time. Stop rushing this. You don’t have anywhere to go.
“Hurry Up And Pick Guy” needs to sit down, eat a hot-wing, grab a beer and chill, because this is good man time, and that is sacred. Drafts are meant to be enjoyed.
“Talk About Your Fantasy Team Guy”
“I can’t believe I got him in the 10th round!”
Yes, we all have teams, and yes, those teams are all special to each person. But like people adopting new puppies from the pound, each person’s team is not the cutest and most-special team ever.
But buddy, no one cares about your team, so shut it.
Also, this guy sometimes asks for who he should start. Don’t … Don’t ask me who you should start. Call “Way Too Much Info Guy’s” radio show and ask him.
I don’t care about your fantasy team.
Happy Fantasy Season and remember … DONT BE THAT GUY!
FYI (I won last year!!)