When the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 18, another chapter in American pop culture will be written as the latest installment of the Star Wars space opera (seriously, that’s what Wikipedia and light-saber wielding fans across the globe call it) is released in theaters.
Whether you have an “I Love My Wookie” bumper sticker or you’re not entirely sure how Captain Picard fits into the epic’s timeline (he doesn’t), there’s hardly anyone who isn’t at least somewhat aware of the names “Luke Skywalker” and “Darth Vader.” In the last two months alone if you’ve watched a single Monday Night Football game, you’ve been exposed to previews and trailers for the first installment of the final trilogy, Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
Here at Mile High Sports, we won’t play the role of Rotten Tomatoes and spoil the plot from the newest edition. (Tune in to our resident film guru Gil Whiteley from 11a-1p on AM 1340 if you want that.)
But we do want to offer some perspective for those of you who spent more time in high school with a playbook than a pocket protector. We’d like to introduce you to Star Wars by means of your favorite team, the Denver Broncos. If you’ve never seen the original trilogy (or the subsequent prequel trilogy), these Broncos personalities will help you understand who’s who from that galaxy far, far away.
John Elway = Han Solo
If there’s anyone down at Dove Valley who could take the Millennium Falcon on the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, it’s John Elway. Translation: Han Solo and Elway have guts.
They’re both gunslingers (Solo offs a bounty hunter in cold blood, Elway did the same to the Browns on more than one occasion), they play things fast and loose, even if it gets them into hot water once in a while.
Solo isn’t afraid to tell the Galactic Empire to stick it where the sun don’t shine, just like Elway told the Colts.
Their brazen style will get them frozen in carbonite or shelved for four games due to a biceps injury, but it’s also what helps them bring down the shield generator or helicopter for a critical first down in the Super Bowl.
Solo is a central character through the first trilogy and into the sequel trilogy, much like Elway is having a second life as an executive.
At the end of the day, you know you’re going to get a win with them on your side and you know they’re going to go home with the girl. Every red-blooded American man secretly wants to be Elway and Solo.
Terrell Davis = Luke Skywalker
The University of Georgia isn’t exactly a desert on the college football landscape, but the NFL Draft’s sixth-round might as well be the barren planet Tatooine from where our story’s conquering hero hails.
We first meet Luke Skywalker scratching out a living on his Uncle Owen’s moisture farm, the Star Wars equivalent of the special teams unit. By the end of the first trilogy, however, Skywalker, like Davis, proves to be the biggest hero of the day.
Skywalker possesses uncanny talent (he can bullseye womp rats only two meters wide), as did Davis (he rushed for 2,000 yards in a season), but both needed someone to help unlock their full potential. Skywalker’s came in the form of Yoda, the diminutive Jedi master who finally teaches him to channel the Force. Davis had Mike Shanahan, the master mind who devised the perfect scheme that made him unstoppable.
Without Skywalker, the Rebel Alliance never destroys either Death Star and the Emperor rules the Galactic Empire for the Dark Side for all time. Without Davis, the Broncos don’t win either Super Bowl and Brett Favre quite possibly becomes the greatest quarterback of all time.
Josh McDaniels = Emperor Palpatine
Countless people in the sports world have characterized Bill Belichick as the evil emperor (mostly because they both don scowls and hoodies), but in the Broncos universe it’s McDaniels who more closely resembles the ultimate bad guy.
As we learn in the prequels, Palpatine is a young, power hungry senator who exploits galactic instability and uses deception and manipulation to assume power of the newly forged “Empire.” If that doesn’t describe how McDaniels took the reins at Dove Valley, you can ship me off to the ice planet Hoth and feed me to a Wampa.
In the original trilogy, we know Palpatine as the despotic, overconfident leader of an Empire who spreads his reach too far and leads it to the brink of collapse, thus, it’s best to remember McDaniels after he’d been caught red-handed taping a 49ers walk-through and his team was a disappointing 2-6.
The charming young politician who once looked like a genius is all but gone and things around him are about to blow up, yet he resolutely believes his evil ways are not the cause of the problem. The only thing left to do is throw him down a reactor shaft and try to rebuild.
Bill Romanowski = Darth Vader
There’s nothing more tragic than a good guy turned bad, which is the unfortunate tale of both Darth Vader and Bill Romanowski.
Okay, if we’re being honest, we sort of knew all along that Romo had a dark side. He did, after all, break Kerry Collins’ jaw and spit in the face of J.J. Stokes. But we were willing to overlook that when he was fighting for our side. It wasn’t until he joined the sliver and black that we really saw him for what he was.
Vader is much of the same. As the Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi teaches us: “A young Jedi named Darth Vader [Anakin Skywalker], who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi knights.”
We eventually learn that Vader has been altered physically, “more machine now than man.” Sadly, Romanowski too was “enhanced.” While no charges were ever filed against him in the BALCO scandal, we learned later that he had indeed used steroids.
But both Vader and Romanowski also offer lessons about redemption and finding their way back to good, providing some light even in our darkest moments.
Gary Kubiak = Obi-Wan Kenobi
Obi-Wan Kenobi is the ultimate master of good intentions. A Jedi who has his fingerprint on both Anakin and Luke Skywalker, he is never fully able to help either reach their full potential on his own. Anakin eventually turns to the dark side, while Kenobi meets his untimely end protecting Luke.
While Kubiak had plenty of success in his first coaching stint in Denver as an assistant, the real credit always went to Mike Shanahan. Obi-Wan probably felt the same way about Yoda in the prequel trilogy.
Kubiak’s second story arc is still playing out, just like when Obi-Wan tried to redeem himself for his failure with Anakin by way of Luke. Kubiak, like Kenobi, has been close but no cigar without Shanahan.
Only time will tell if Kubiak has to take a light saber for Peyton Manning, but the way things are going late in the season, it seems unlikely that he’ll lead the alliance to the ultimate victory.
Mark Schlereth = Chewbacca
It’s probably appropriate that a player nicknamed “Stink” most closely resembles the character Han Solo calls a “big furry oaf.” Mark Schlereth didn’t pick up his nickname because of his woolliness; no, that reason was far more graphic. But there’s some common characteristics these two seemingly ignoble figures share that makes them likable heroes.
First of all, both are impressive physical specimens. Chewbacca, at 8 feet tall and 200 years old, is one of the fiercest warriors in the galaxy (yet somehow he managed to co-pilot a tiny space ship). Schlereth, despite twenty knee surgeries during his career, played in 156 NFL games, including three Super Bowl victories.
Both come from far off lands (even by galactic standards). “Chewie,” as he’s affectionately known, from the planet Kashyyyk, which is inhabited by intelligent, furry bipeds (think Bigfoot playing chess). And “Stink,” from Alaska, which is also home to more hairy mammals than humans.
Most importantly, though, both are incredibly loyal and willing to do the dirty jobs necessary to win that day’s battle. They’re also darn funny, when given the right moment. Just don’t make them angry. As Han Solo says, “It’s not wise to upset a Wookie.” Or an o-lineman for that matter.
Champ Bailey = R2D2
A bit undersized, but incredibly resourceful and always in the right place at the right time, R2D2 is the spunky droid that saves the day over and over and over again.
Sound a little like Denver’s favorite all-time cornerback?
R2D2 appears in the original trilogy and the prequel trilogy (and will reportedly be a part of the sequel trilogy), marking one of the longest character lifespans in Star Wars. Bailey, meanwhile was a 12-time Pro Bowler during his 15 year career. How about that for longevity and success?
Some über-fans of Star Wars will posit that R2D2 is arguably the greatest hero in the entirety of the franchise, just like many Broncos fans will argue that Bailey is the best player in franchise history. It’s not the wildest theory, when looking at things in a vacuum (of outer space).
Peyton Manning = C-3PO
Tales of Peyton Manning’s maniacal, dare I say robotic, approach to the game are widespread. Manning’s summer passing camps with his wide receivers have long been described as a means to develop timing and precision that would make German manufacturing engineers blush. That’s why a protocol droid is the most logical corollary in the Star Wars universe.
“Threepio” exists primarily to ensure things run smoothly, with an expertise in etiquette, customs and translation. And while no one may ever know the exact translation of “Omaha,” there’s no denying that Manning epitomizes etiquette and football custom. He’s an NFL blue blood who will always put proper manners ahead of just about everything else.
Like his droid counterpart R2D2, C-3PO has an amazing lifespan, appearing in all three trilogies. Manning, now in his 18th year in the NFL, has shown incredible longevity himself. And both have done so being, shall we say, less than mobile.
Both are incredibly loyal to their employer and almost always take the blame when things go wrong, even if it’s not their fault.
Lastly, both Manning and C-3PO have an amazingly dry wit, albeit somewhat fatalistic at times. Still, they’re two of the funniest characters, both intentionally and unintentionally, you’ll ever come across.
Shannon Sharpe = Lando Calrissian
There is no cooler character in the Empire or the Alliance than Lando, but at the end of the day, Calrissian is always looking out for himself first and foremost. He eventually comes back around and identifies with the side of good, but there’s a span where things are just easier in Cloud City to align with the dark side.
Sure, we mostly consider Shannon Sharpe a Bronco these days, but we’ll never forget that Super Bowl he chased with the Ravens.
In the end, though, we’re willing to take both of them back because they’re cool cats with sharp tongues (pun mostly intended). We’ll crown them field generals and they’ll ride off into the sunset with us.
Wade Phillips = Yoda
Aged and wise, you should never doubt the simple wisdom of these two.
Both Yoda and Phillips have seen it all, and they’ve discovered some fundamental truths along the way. Good is better than evil. There’s no substitute for hard work. Size matters not. Do … or do not. There is no “try.”
Like Yoda, Phillips is a mentor who must take raw talent and ability and help it understand that the best offense is a good defense. Phillips, like Yoda, knows that recklessness and a want for adventure can lead down a dangerous path.
Yoda inherited a prodigy in Luke Skywalker, as did Phillips with this year’s defense. The son of Bum wisely has his best players (guys like Von Miller and Chris Harris) heeding the little green master’s advice:
“Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will…”
The Role Players
There are countless other characters in the Star Wars universe that could be likened to important figures in Broncos Country. Here’s a few of the key role players…
John Fox = Uncle Owen
Luke Skywalker’s uncle. A good steward, but about as unimaginative as the empty buckets on his moisture farm on Tatooine.
Terrance Knigton = Jabba the Hutt
A gluttonous blob who takes up more real estate (literally and figuratively) than you’d expect. A necessary evil.
Aqib Talib = Boba Fett
A bounty hunter and mercenary. You don’t like his ways, but you want him on your side.
Mike Shanahan = Admiral Akbar
The foremost military commander of the Rebel Alliance, Akbar devises (inter)-stellar battle plans, but is ultimately reliant on his forces to get the job done.
And last but not least…
Tim Tebow = Jar Jar Binks
Loved by hordes and reviled by just as many, Tim Tebow and Jar Jar Binks are unfortunately necessary figures in the central plot.
Kids and moms are big fans of both, because they’re both harmless do-gooders. But their good intentions can often fumble away big moments, much to the chagrin of those around them.
Yet there’s some “divine” “force” that always bails them out just when it seems that all hope is lost.
Even the most die-hard supporters have to admit that without them, the Empire wins.