Welcome back to the NFL Playoffs, Denver!
It’s so good to see you again! You’ve been a regular at this party lately. This will mark your fifth consecutive time joining us; your commemorative cup is on the table down the hall.
Yours says “Five Alive.” It’s right next to the Bengals’, which says the same. They’re just after the Seahawks’ “Four Score.” The Patriots’ and Packers’ “Seventh Heaven” editions have on their own table. Please don’t touch those.
Things should be mostly as you remember them. Let us know when it’s looking familiar.
There’s your 45-10 loss to the Patriots. Have you talked to Tim Tebow lately?
The 38-35 double-overtime heartbreaker against the Ravens is over there. Baltimore couldn’t make it this year, by the way. Pity.
The Seahawks are here again, as we mentioned. You remember them. Say, did you know you’re the only team to ever score exactly eight points in a Super Bowl? How funny is that?!
Oh, and there’s another one of your Divisional Round exits. Can you believe that poor Andrew Luck got hurt this year? It’s too bad. Everyone had such high hopes for his Colts after they… beat… you… again.
Sorry.
Anyway, we’ve got your spot all set up for you. Congratulations! You’ll be sitting at the head of the AFC table again this year. That’s the third time in four years. Very impressive! Bill Belichick had a similar run of Super Bowl wins from 2001 to ’04.
He’ll be sitting next to you, by the way. Don’t worry; he said no hard feelings about that overtime loss you handed him earlier this year. He hardly remembers it, what with no Julian Edelman or Danny Amendola and all those fourth-quarter penalties.
The Bengals are here too, obviously. They wanted you to know that Andy Dalton should be ready to go if you do end up dancing later on in the proceedings.
Houston’s here with J.J. Watt. He’s really looking forward to meeting your offensive tackles. Did you know the Texans beat the Bengals this year?
Kansas City and Pittsburgh are down at the end of your table. We’ll try to keep them down there, but no promises. They’ve been feisty lately. Not that I’m telling you anything you don’t know!
Don’t worry too much about the other side of the room just yet. Yes, we mentioned the Seahawks and Green Bay. Carolina and Arizona stole their spots at the table, but we’re guessing one of them will find a way to stick around late into things.
Minnesota and Washington will be there too. Feel free to say hello.
Now, as the evening gets started, we’re going to be making some recognitions. You’re going to want to be around for those.
You and Carolina will be honored for your No. 1 seeds. Send up whichever quarterback you plan on starting. But please try and stick around. There’s more to the party than just getting the top seed.
All of the playoff teams in the top-10 in the league in these categories will be honored.
First is total defense. You’re No. 1, of course. You’ll be joined on stage by Seattle, Houston, Arizona, Carolina, Kansas City and New England.
You can stay up there for pass defense. You’re No. 1 again. Congratulations. Seattle, Houston, Arizona and Kansas City will stay up there and Green Bay will join you.
You’re first in sacks, as well, so stay on stage with New England, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Houston, Carolina, Green Bay, Minnesota and Cincinnati. It was quite a year for pass rushers, especially in the AFC! By the way, how’s your offensive line these days?
Now for these next two, you aren’t first, but you did make the top-10.
For rush defense, you were third; Seattle was first. Carolina will come up at four, followed by Pittsburgh, Arizona, Cincinnati, Kansas City, New England and Houston. Wow, that’s another one with everyone in the AFC Playoffs! What a coincidence!
For scoring defense, you were fourth; so let Seattle, Cincinnati and Kansas City go before you. Minnesota, Carolina, Arizona, Houston and New England will wrap up that one. It’s really impressive. There are so many great defenses this year. It’s hard to say which one is truly the best.
Let’s see here. Takeaways are next. Hmmmm. Don’t see your name. Carolina, Kansas City, Cincinnati, Arizona, Seattle, Green Bay. Guess you didn’t make the cut on that one.
Turnover differential is after that. Let’s just check. Nope. Don’t see you on that list either. From what it says here, you’re the only playoff team with a negative turnover differential. But you have the No. 1 seed! So that’s something to be happy about, right?
Next we move on to offensive awards. This has really been your bread and butter lately. Gosh, ever since 2012 this has pretty much been “the Denver Broncos part of the program.”
Let’s see. Total offense. You are… not in the top-10, it appears. That doesn’t sound right. Arizona, Pittsburgh, Seattle and New England. But no Denver? Strange.
How about passing yards? Arizona, Pittsburgh, New England. Wow. That one’s a real shocker. No Denver again.
Let’s look at rushing yards. Carolina, Seattle, Minnesota, Kansas City, Arizona. Hmm.
Touchdowns. Carolina, Arizona, New England, Cincinnati, Seattle, Kansas City, Pittsburgh. Jeez. This is getting awkward.
Well, scoring offense is last. That’s led by Carolina, too. Next is Arizona. Then New England, Pittsburgh, Seattle, Cincinnati, Kansas City and Washington. No Denver Broncos?
That’s pretty amazing. You’re a No. 1 seed and don’t rank in the top-10 in any of those offensive categories.
Well, I guess that’s about all you need to know.
You can purchase photos from this year and your last four years at the exit at the end of the night.
Enjoy the party! And try not to drink too much.